Cutting Through the Isolation: 1999

Thursday, November 4, 1999

November 4, 1999

Hey everyone...I haven't updated in awhile...I'm still staying strong. Sometimes I hate to say that...I feel like it makes some of you angry...I know it made me angry when people felt better than I did...But I hope you guys feel like it really is possible to feel better...WITHOUT cutting. So Stay Strong!!!!...and don't forget you can always write me!

Wednesday, June 16, 1999

June 16, 1999

Hey everyone! I know it's been awhile. I've added some new things...but you really wouldn't notice unless you were here every day! Things have been going good! No cutting I think it's been almost 3 months now. Good For me!!! I really appreciate everyone who has written to me...and the IM's for those of you who are on aol. It really does keep me strong. I don't have much to report...it's been hard, and it always will be. But I seem to be strong for the moment! Thanks to all of you. I have to admit, I haven't been very good at taking my meds...but it's summer and that always puts me in a better mood...so i don't know, I have to go to see my doctor in a week, I hope she's not pissed...she keeps writting me perscriptions, that I know help me...yet I can't seem to take them. Why???? I just don't know what is wrong with me. Write me....

Monday, May 24, 1999

May 24, 1999

Hey everyone! Check out my new update! I have lots of plans for this website....but not enough time!!! = ) Anyways...I'm doing good...no cutting since last time I wrote...I'm back on my meds...and for you non-believers...they are the best thing to happen to me. I can't imagine a life without them. They really can help! I don't really have much to say but that I'm doing well, and I appreciate all of the e-mails...even though I may not have time to respond... I'm really sorry about that...(read my update for more info!) I Love You All! (Especially you Brad)

Thursday, May 20, 1999

May 20, 1999

Things have been okay since Saturday. I haven't cut, which is extremly hard. I can only hope that my down- fall has helped people. My cuts are healing...they are scabbing and itching....but itching is a good sign of healing. Hopefully I will be strong enough to keep up another 2 years before I cut this badly again. I just want to stress that all of you who see this site are strong. Very strong....remember that.

Saturday, April 17, 1999

April 17, 1999 (about 30 minutes later)

Well I just cut about 25-35 times on my leg...they are not really deep...but i'm really upset now...and still no one is here...yeah...that's just fine

April 17, 1999

So I don't know what to say...but today was a VERY bad day. I've been more depressed than ever...well not ever... but I'm like I used to be. I suppose that's because I havn't been taking my meds. It's really hard to type right now...because I punched my desk...and my hand is really swollen and sore. But I didn't cut... yet....i really want to...actually for the first time in about 8 months I want to die. Do you think anyone would notice if I did? I needed someone today...and no one is here. No one. No one. I'm really not sure what to do...I'm so close to slitting my wrists right now ...so close. But I'm trying to be strong...You know what? It's weird, the meds...they make me not feel depressed. Which I guess is good, but Yet at the same time I'm not the same person I used to be. Let me explain. I hate school...I'm miserable here. But it used to be that if I was miserable that I could just move on...go do something different. However, now I'm not as depressed, but I hate school and I can't leave. There are too many people telling me to stay...and I no longer have the balls to leave. I used to be so independant...but the meds have taken that away. I don't know...maybe it is because I never used to care what happened...and now because I havn't had any desire to die, I worry a lot more about life. I just don't know...but I do know that I feel more alone and scared now...than I ever have...and no one is here...no one...

Tuesday, April 13, 1999

April 13, 1999

Hey there, I know I havn't written for awhile...I just wanted to let you know that I'm still okay! I've been cut free for over a month now. And I really have my boyfriend to thank for that. Most people I've met don't understand. He may not understand, but he never holds it against me. Sure he's not jumping up and down every time I cut, but I've never heard a negative word out of him. Ever time I've cut, he always responds with a hug, smile, and a kiss. He still loves me. And I can't tell you how much that has ment to me. But it doesn't take someone else to keep at "not cutting." I want to thank everyone who has written to me in the past couple of months, it's given me a lot of strength. I want to tell you all that the strenght comes from you. You are all so strong...we are strong...don't give up. I look forward to hearing from more of you. Lately I have been thinking about the first time I really cut, and sometimes it makes me want to...but then I check my e-mail...and there are so many of you out there. You know who you are...and i just want to say THANK YOU!!! I love all of you for the strenght you have given me....

Thursday, February 25, 1999

February 25, 1999

Hello! It's been a while since I last wrote. I've been okay...but about two weeks ago I had a small relapse. I cut a couple of times. I'm not sure why exactly. So basically I ruined about three months of hard work. However, I climbed back on the horse. And it's been two weeks today...so far so good....other than that not much has happened. Just trying to make it through every day life the best I can....I want to thank all of you who have written to me....= )

Sunday, January 17, 1999

January 17, 1999

Hey guys...I'm back. I've found it really dificult to keep from cutting in the last two days. We have a three day weekend so basically I've been drunk for three days, and I will probably be drunk tommorow. And because I have those brand new razor blades, I really want to cut...but i've been strong....I hope it keeps up. It's really hard...I'm hoping to keep it up...If anyone actually looks at this web page I'd appreciate it if you'd write to me...I could use some encouragement. Help!!!!

Monday, January 11, 1999

January 11, 1999

Well it's been two and a half months. I'm back at school now. My christmas vacation was really good. I'm really glad to be back though. I haven't been very good with remembering to take my medicine though...it's not that I don't want to...it's just that I hate taking pills so much that I keep putting it off. Then I just forget completly. The reason why I hate swallowing pills so much, is because the first time I tried to commit suicide, I tried overdosing...obviously it didn't work! However, I think that the pills really help! I just need to take them. I still think about cutting all the time. I'm taking a class here at school which requires me to by "several single edged razors"....I'm worried. I usually don't let myself keep razors, and now I have to....this may take a lot of will-power...I hope I have it!

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My Story

How will you know I'm hurting
If you cannot see my pain?
To wear it on my body
Tells what words cannot explain.
--C. Blount

I cut myself.

And to me, that seems normal. It's how I deal with life.

The first time I cut myself I was a Junior in High School. At the time, I had never heard of self-mutilation. I didn't know that it was something that 1% of the population actually does! I had never met anyone who did this. I used to think "how could someone even do that to themselves!"

Until I tried it.

I was on the phone with my best friend. She started talking about how sometimes she would scratch herself with a needle or razor. I think I said something like "How can you do that? Doesn't it hurt?" (Little did I know, soon I would be answering the same questions from other people.)

And I tried it.

I had a razor sitting on my desk and I lightly scratched my arm. There was no blood. I did it a few more times. And what happened amazed me. My heart started pounding, and I felt alive. Suddenly I was in control, and everything in my head seemed to clear. It was a high that I had never felt before.

Suddenly my life seemed managable. I could control the pain, and I knew no one could hurt me any more than I could hurt myself. I was a little proud of the fact that I could be this strong! This made me feel better than I had felt in a long time.

And that's where it started....

So I started cutting regularly. It started with a few fresh cuts ever week or so. Then I was doing it 2-3 times a week - once a day - and at the very worst times 4 - 5 times a day.

I stoped eating lunch in the cafeteria, and started locking myself in the bathroom so I could cut while I ate. A few times the blood seeped through to my jeans, and if anyone asked, I always told them that I spilled ketchup, or chocolate on myself at lunch. I used to cut my arms in 3's. This way if anyone asked about them I could say a cat scratched me. I would wear sweaters in the summer, and I would never, ever, EVER put on a bathing suit. (I still can't today because of the scars)

Where did I cut? Anything that could be hidden by my high school gym uniform. (At this time I had already started changing in the bathroom stalls so no one would see my cuts) I cut my shoulders, upper arms, stomach, thighs, and ankles. Once I cut my wrists, but this wasn't a suicide attempt. I'm not sure what it was. I read somewhere that "Suicide is the exact opposite of self- mutilation. People who commit suicide want to die. People who self-mutilate just want to feel better."

When I started cutting more frequently, I started cutting more deeply. Some of cuts would bleed for up to 3 days non-stop. I started to scare myself. My closest friends started to get scared. And then my parents FREAKED. They started to accuse me of being on drugs, being crazy...actually they didn't know what to think. This all landed me in a doctor's office with 3 prescriptions and therapy sessions three times a week.

But this didn't change my behavior. I didn't want to change. Eventually I landed myself in a Mental Hospital for 2 weeks. And I still wasn't ready to change. I learned all of the alternatives, I was taking medication for my depression, and seeing doctors. But none of it did me any good. You can't help someone feel better who doesn't want to.

So eventually my parents got frustrated, and all of this was so expensive that they just said "forget it." In a way that made me feel like I really was a lost cause. Like there was NO hope.

But there is - I think.

I have hundreds of scars on my body...especially on my upper thighs. But, they are fading. I haven't cut that badly for some time. Sometimes the fact that they are going away scares me...I don't want to lose my scars. They kind of symbolize what I've gone through with this thing. I call them my battle scars.

I don't let myself buy disposable razors anymore, because they are too easy for me to take apart. But when I get desparate enough - really anything can be used as a weapon. I've scratched myself with my finger nails, push pins, safety pins, snapped rubber bands around my wrists hard enough to leave bruises for up to a week, and I've even burned myself before. But I remain, primarily a cutter.

And sometimes I think maybe I'll always just be a cutter. Maybe I don't want help. I don't know how to stop this. I don't know how to make this better. I mean it's just me. You think that I could just say I'm not going to cut anymore. But it's much harder than that. You have to want to stop. And even though I know that I should, that doesn't mean I want to.

So how do you make yourself stop something you love doing??? Right now I don't have an answer to that...I'm hoping that someday in the future I do. This isn't easy. In fact stoping is probably the hardest thing I've ever done.

But the fight continues.

I'm trying.

I can do this.

Cutting Through the Isolation