December 19, 2001

Full Of Grace
Sarah McLachlan

The winter is cold,
and bitter.
It's chilled us to the bone.
I haven't seen the sun for weeks;
too long, too far from home.

I feel just like I'm sinking,
and I claw for solid ground.
I'm pulled down by the undertow.
I never thought I could feel so low.
In all the darkness,
I feel like letting go.

If all of the strength,
and all of the courage,
come and lift me from this place.

I know I could love you much better than this.

Full of Grace.

It's better this way.
I'll say.
Haven't seen this place before.
Where everything we say and do.
Hurts us all the more.
It's just that we stay.
Too long
In the same old sickly skin.

I'm pulled down by the undertow.
I never thought I could feel so low.
In all the darkness I feel like letting go.

If all of the strength,
and all of the courage,
come and lift me from this place.

I know I could love you much better than this.

Full of Grace.

I know I could love you much better than this.
It's better this way.

This is a song I dedicate to myself...I could and should love myself better. So why can't I?

December 8, 2001

I'm sorry I haven't written in so long! But I'm still alive! I got a lot of letters from all of you, thanks for caring so much! I'm sorry I haven't written back. I've been going through a really bad time. Worse than it's been in several years.

But there is some good news to report. I've had a couple of really, really good days lately. Do you ever have those days where you just wake up, and you are sure that you are actually moving twoard something...rather than trying to stand still, and remain unnoticed? They don't come very often. At least for me they don't come often. In fact there are only two other times I've ever had one of those days. One was when I was in 8th grade. My ill grandmother was living with us, I was depressed, and in general very unhappy. This was right after the first time I ever tried to commit suicide. And one day this sudden calm came over me. I remember it so well. It was a summer evening. I was looking out of my bedroom window, and I could see the sun setting over the homes in my neighborhood. The sky was lit up with brillant orange, pink, and blue. For the first time ever, the fog in my head cleared. It wasn't just a 'wow everything's going to be okay!' moment. It was more than that. It's actually kind of hard to put into words. Actually, I don't think it's possible to describe the feeling at all. I just hope all of you have felt it at one time.

The second time I ever got this feeling, it lasted for more than 5 months. Those were the best months of my life. I finally felt like I knew what the hell I was doing. So much of my life has been spent feeling lost. And when you finally feel like you found the map, it's an amazing feeling. But, I digress. The second time was after I graduated high school. I graduated pretty young, at 16. I was taking summer college classes at an art school, film and television classes. I was going to school in Chicago, and meeting so many new people. I don't know why everything felt so clear, but it did. I felt like I knew where I was going. I was very in touch with my depression and all of my feelings. I was very open with everything. I actually woke up everyday without panicking about everything in my life. My heart no longer started to pound right when I woke up. I no longer woke up to a churning stomach, and dread.

I don't know what changed, but I think life is all about chapters. My life is very cylical. I go through really bad times, and probably treat myself very badly. Then something happens in me, and it's the begining of a new chapter.

So what began this new chapter right now? I don't know. I recently had closure to some important relationships in my life. And though they may not have worked out like I wanted them to, something in me suddenly feels like they weren't a waste of time. I like to think you learn important lessons from every experience. And even though I know this, it doesn't make pain any easier to take. But they say time heals all. And maybe they are right.

So this chapter in my life isn't begning with a brilliant sunset. But the begning of good things don't always need a lot of fanfare. Sometimes simple things are just as beautiful.

September 30, 2001

Today's my birthday. I spent the day alone. In my living room slicing myself up. Happy Birthday to me.

I've never felt so alone in my life. My parents didn't even call me to wish me a happy birthday today. I know I'm just feeling sorry or myself. But I'm in a really, really, bad place right now. I've never though so much about suicide as I have in the last week.

September 22, 2001

Okay. Let me explain something. When I ask for help, I need help. I rarely let this thing out of me. So when I’m hurting so bad that I can’t take it any more. I really really cry for help. It’s like standing on the top of a mountain with a bull horn. Screaming ‘hello don’t you fucking people see me.’ ‘can’t you hear me?’ I’m the master at subtle hints. And some not so subtle hints. But those times when I really lose it. The times when I’m more insane than sane, that’s when you might just be able to get inside. I might let you see what’s in there. But you have to remain calm. You have to relax. If I’m freaking out, and the person I go to freaks out. It’s not going to do either one of us any good. If everyone panics -- you all lose. But if everyone stays calm and just one person panics, the rest of you sane people can probably calm that person.

When I am suicidal you are looking directly at the inside of me. Right into the center of me. but if you start freaking out and calling me 82 times a day, showing up at my doorstep, and calling my parents and getting them involved, as soon as any of this panic starts to happen. I go into defense mode. I immediatly stuff everything into a box and seal it. Then the box goes into a safe, and I lock it, then the safe goes into the valut and the door is closed for good. and BOOM ----You miss your opportunity. “sorry folks better luck next time.” “but we have a lovely parting gift for you, bob - go ahead and tell them what they’ve won.”

You’ve created a person who hates you. Because for a split second you all became just as insane as I was, and I can’t handle that. So when’s the next time the walls go down and the vault gets opened and the box is unsealed? Probably not for a long time. Maybe never. Because I’ll remember how everyone acted. And as sick as I am right now, because I am feeling such imense pain, when you all act like that it makes me sicker.

And you all are probably thinking...what the hell does she want...we ignore her, she gets upset...we try and help, she gets upset. And if you don’t understand right now, why I’m upset... then I’m sorry --- you don’t get it...better luck next time...but I can’t help you. I can’t help youme...I need to help me help me right now. help

Everyone in my life has always just given up on me. That’s why i don’t tell very mnay people about this hting living inside of me. +At first I’m just a pet project to them. They ask, they care...they want to know everything. Why? Because it makes them feel good to think ‘ wow i’m helping someone...oh god maybe i’m even saving her life.’ it makes them feel great. so this goes on and on and on. And eventually a few months later...they get restless. The shimmer of the madness has worn off. And it’s just me sad tired and drepressed. The curosity about mental illnes has left them...and now they are just left with me. ‘passenger’s please fasten your seatbelts...we’re in for a bumpy ride.’ and they start screaming ‘no...stop the ride...i want to get off!’ and they do...and the ride goes on with out them.

September 30, 2001

September 21, 2001 (later)

I've never been so far away from okay in my life. I've really lost it: gone off the deep end. I need help. I seriously need to check myself into a hospital.

September 21, 2001

I am extremly suicidal right now. If I'm still alive this time next week,I will be really surprised. Actually, no I'll be depressed. Next weekend is my 22nd birthday. I hate birthdays. Sure I always act really excited. I'm the kind of person who counts down the days. But what's really going on in my head is anger. Anger that I've been too cowardly to kill myself yet.

This will be the first birthday I've ever spent alone. My boyfriend and I just broke up. Yeah, that would be the same boyriend I've written about before. The one who always stood by me. We were together for more than 3 years. Well he hasn't been standing by me for sometime, and now he can't take anymore. Happy Birthday to me.

I really can't blame him though. I'm not easy to be around. And things have been on a very steep downward spiral in the last year. All I've been able to do is keep myself alive. And I'm not even sure I would call this alive. I've lost all hope in everyone and everything around me.

September 11, 2001

There are no words to describe what I witnessed today. Well, I guess witnessed is a relative word. I was no where near the hysteria in New York, or the terror in Washington, D.C. But the fear I, and every other American felt, was a shared terror. I have never been so scared in my entire life. And I am miles, and miles away.

All I could think was 'this isn't supposed to happen in America,' 'what the hell is happening!' You hear about, and study wars in school, but it's always somewhere else, or too long ago, for the actions to really hit home. I remember when I visited the Arizona memorial in Hawaii, seeing the old file footage, the carnage, and the wreckage, and feeling just awful. But again, it seemed so long ago.

But today it hit home.

I know this sounds horrible, but I'm too young to appreciate so much history. I'm not sure appreciate is the right word, but understand.

September 11th, was something out of a fiction novel, or a movie. Watch the footage...it doesn't even seem real! I can't grasp this. I watched as people jumped from 100 stories up...jumped off the World Trade Towers. There was one man and woman who held hands as they plummeted together. I haven't eaten in two days -- I can't, my stomach is just a knot.

I can't even imagine what the people there are feeling, or the people who knew someone there.

PresidentBush says these acts 'were intended to frighten the American people,' well WE ARE FRIGHTENED, and we are SAD, and we are ANGRY.

And yet, we have no one to fight against.

Yesterday someone at work came up to me, and asked me if I had had time to cry yet, he said -he had. But I hadn't. I was on the verge of tears all day, but didn't get that chance until I was in my car, and on the way home at 11 o'clock at night. And I cried, and I cried, and I'cried. I can't hold in the tears, and I don't even know what they are tears of. Just horror.

I can't stand to sit here and listen to what happened any more, but I can't turn off the t.v. either. And there you see it...over and over and over, and you can't stop watching, you can't stop reliving the horror. I can't imagine what it felt like to be in those buildings -- your only option to jump. I can't imagine what it felt like to be on one of those planes -- calling family, telling them one last time, you love them.

It's incredible -- how small one person is, and how much terror, horror, death, and destruction one, or two, or three, or just four people on one plane can create. Then multiply that by 4.

I'm sick. I'm just sick over the whole issue.

As they say this date will live in infamy. A black day in American History. I think all of our lives have been changed.

July 26, 2001

There are moments in your life, moments which can be seen with such clarity, you suddenly feel as though you are uncovering the great secrets of existence. I’ve had many of these moments, and each time, the moment never ceases to feel stronger, or more poignant than the first, or second, or third. Right now, in this moment, I swear, I am sure I am the saddest person alive.

Today, I suddenly realized my life isn’t measured in time, or accomplishments, or in day in and day out events. My life is measured by how depressed I am. I’m never truly happy, only a little less sad, and every day it kills me. It’s just a little death.

I have often thought my depression has only made me stronger. Yet, now I think I would be better off with out these feelings. However, with out my thoughts and feelings, without my depression, I don’t know who I would be. I don’t even really know who I am.

Sometimes I go for days, weeks, even months, without feeling like I am an outsider. But all the other times, it’s just me. Watching others, studying how they act. I study how they live without analyzing their place on this earth.

I am always looking at my life as though it were a movie, as though someone is actually watching, and caring about my character. I constantly narrate my life in my own head. Actually, the way I live in my head is kind of creepy. Sometimes I wish I had a tape recorder in my mind, so I’d never lose a thought, and never forget a lesson I think I have learned. But maybe that just goes to show I often live in the past, trying desperately to hold on to what I only half remember.

I keep thinking how nice it would be to go back in time, where things were safe. Yet, at the time it didn’t feel all the comfortable. I was just this miserable 5 years ago. It’s only now I can look back and think how safe it was, now that I know everything that was to happen. Sometimes I think I spend so much time wishing I were some place else, I forget to look around, and discover where I am. I know 5 years from now, I’ll wish I were back here.

It’s a weird feeling; always wanting to be some place you’re not, never happy in the place you are in.

March 23, 2001

This is a journal entry I've been writing for awhile --In my mind anyway. I've been writing and re-writing, and now that I've finally sat down to write --- I'm not sure how it went. I had all these beautiful, poetic things to say. And now my mind is blank. But it's something I need to share. It's about something I just wasn't prepared for. I love this website. Don't get me wrong. I love talking to people, and recieving support, as well as giving. But I never though it would hurt this badly.

I should probably start at the begining. When I first posted this website --- I had no idea what kind of response I'd get. Suddenly I started getting letters from all over the U.S., from all over the world actually. One of the first people who ever wrote to me was *Angel. She was this amazing high school student. She was a cheerleader, star in school plays, and she was supposed to go to Stanford next year --- but she was also a cutter. She and I wrote back and forth (as much as we could, some of you know how long it takes me to write back! (sorry)). And *Angel was my friend. Why the past tense you ask? Because she's dead now. She cut one night, went to deep, and she bled to death.

A week and a half later I got an e-mail from her mother. If any of you know anything about AOL, you can save your e-mails on your hard drive --- and anyone can get at them. That's how her mom found my e-mail addy, and my website. I'm not sure how to react. I'm not sure what to say to her mom. I still haven't written back. She had no idea *Angel was cutting.

My biggest fear is that *Angel didn't really want to die. What if she just cut, a little deeper than usual, was scared, and just went to bed.

The day I read that e-mail I cried forever. I haven't cried for that in some time. But it was something I was not prepared for. Someone I had come so close to --- without ever meeting --- leaving. I think about her all the time. And I guess part of me wants you to think about her too.

February 6, 2001

It's funny how little I remember about my life. Sometimes at the end of the day, I think a person remembers so little about their life, they forget they are living.

I just went through my high school yearbook. 7 years later, and I couldn't remember a damn face. Well, some faces, but I was surprised to find that I didn't recognize a few people I was close with. Have I been trying so hard not to remember my life that I've actually succeeded?

There are times I want to remember. I wish I could take all 21 years and relive them, but write down every second of it. Record it. That way I won't forget. But maybe I'm really just too scared to remember.

I had a dream the other night, a dream I didn't like. I was in my apartment, and there are these men that keep breaking in. After the first burly - no faced - man gets in, I manage to call the cops, and chase him out with a baseball bat. Of course the cops are waiting outside to catch him. Then as others make their way inside, I keep chasing htem out in increasingly violent ways - a broken bottle, a knife, and finnally a gun. But the last one just wouldn't be scared off. I had to shoot him several times, and drag his body out. Then the cops had to come in and gather the evidence. I had just shot and killed a man, in my own home.

I'm not sure what I did while they were gathering, you know how time can pass in an instant in a dream. Sometimes I wish life were like that. When I was allowed back in, there is blood all over my walls, and finger print dust on everything else. And I am very scared and shaken.

My mom and dad are there, and they are sitting on my bed. I run over to them and curl up between them. I tell them I'm scared, and that I don't want to stay in this apartment anymore. They turn to me and say 'where else would you go?' They tell me this is my home now, and there's nowhere else for me to be, and I should start picking up the pieces.

I woke up frantic and scared. Not scared that people were trying to hurt me, but that suddenly I had no where to run.

My dad keeps asking me how excited I am to be out on my own, and starting my own life. I think he's just sad he may be nearing the end of his. I'm sure all he remembers was how new and exciting everything is, but what he forgets is how completly terrifying it all is. Sometimes I wake up at night in a total panic, because I don't know where I am. And I miss my home. My parent's home. I miss my bedroom smelling of vanilla and scented candles, and the roof right outside my window. I used to climb out it at night, and look up at the moon, and wonder if it was possible I was the lonliest person on the Earth. I would cry, and sing to myself.

But that's not my room anymore, and it never will be again. And that's what scares me the most, if that is no longer home, and this doesn't feel like home - then where is it?

January 22, 2001

Wow! It's been a long time since I've written. I'm still here...still kicking. Barely. I've been very depressed lately. Yet, I haven't been cutting. I'm almost too depressed to even cut. This is one of the longest and worst lows I've ever felt. It's not good. But I'm hanging in there I guess. Sometimes I don't even know if I'm still here. I've lived with this for so long, and I still forget how bad it can feel. But last Saturday I had a high like I hadn't felt in a long time. I was on top of the world. And for the first time in almost 2 years I felt comfortable in my own skin. That is what I knew for so long, the highs and the lows...and I had forgoten how familiar that felt. It was almost magical. I could have done anything, the only thing I really did do was just enjoy the feeling. The feeling of remembering who I was, and am. I'm not on any meds now, and I haven't been for some time. I can't affoard them. And when I could, way back when, I wouldn't take them. Depression is a very viscious cycle. But I did want to share something with all of you. My new favorite movie is American Beauty . It reminds me of what I used to feel. This is an excerpt from the ending monolouge. If you haven't seen the movie...stop reading and go rent it!!!!

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel lik I'm seeing it all at once...and it's too much...my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax...and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude...for every...single...moment in my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about I'm sure. But don't worry, you will...someday."

American Beauty